one word: BETTER! (feel free to stop right here... i'm about to go on a mini rant...)
right now, I'm in a battle... a battle with myself. one that i'm not winning! i need to let "being in control" go! there are so many things that i want. so many things that i need. so many things that i think i should have. where i think i should be. first i need to get out of this comfort zone. this year is, i told myself and others, supposed to be the year of HAPPY! and here it is mid july... and i can tell you right now, i'm not feeling too happy! lol. yes, i'm blessed! yes, i'm thankful! but honestly, i know i could be better. i've been at my current job for 6 years. no promotion. no increase. job title changed from I/II to II, and that's only because after your 6 (or 9) month probation period is over, it's supposed to. i "moved" once... from off of the receptionist desk to where i am. as i look around, there are tons of papers, that need to be moved. that's been sitting here for a long time. i haven't updated my daughter's pictures in about 2 years. there isn't anything ME going on. i've said time and time again, that i need to move on. at this job, the only time you can get a promotion is if someone retires. and that's sad. and then you're competing with uhhh about 15 or so other people for the same spot. and you may get it, depending on if you're "next in line"... i'm not trying to be waiting around for another 10 years before i can get a promotion. that's a slap in the face! i know this is not where i should be. CHANGE will come! it's time for me to take a leap... see what's out there. a few "days" ago, i said i have to go back to school. i don't know if i should try to do that first, or try to get a new job first, but i do know, i can't stay here for another year. before i came to this job, i was still working in the county, and to be honest with you, i was getting promoted all the time! i was moving!! i was doing it... the way that i was going, i just knew i would be making a good amount of money by the time i turned 30. now. i'm close to that... not close to where i thought i should be. that's life. life happens. and now i need to make something happen. in the last 2 weeks, i had a lot happen to my car. my only means of transportation. and right now, i don't have it. right now, i just feel stuck. i can't believe this is happening to me. stuff like this doesn't happen to me. but you want to know what's CRAZY! i've been saying for a long time "if something happens to my car, something major, i'm going to be short..." it's like i called it. i've been making it work for so long, but i just kept saying that... this is exactly why i needed this blog. so i could get these things out! so i could stop repeating it in my head. no more jinxing! i feel so foolish. but again, that's where my "being in control" needs to come to a hault. i was told last week, no matter how old you get, you'll need people. you can't do it all by yourself. man oh man... that is so true. i was also told that if you keep acting like you have it, and you don't, that's when you are a failure. sadface. that was me. fake it til you make it. lmbo. no, i don't have it all. no i'm not 100% where i want to be. no my life isn't perfect. i don't know where this wall came from... but it's being broken down. thanks life. thanks a lot.
on a brighter side. i am thankful. i always try to find the good in every situation. i try to get the good out of the bad. i'm so very thankful for my job. thankful that i have the family and friends that i have to help me. thankful that i'm not so far gone that i don't do anything stupid. just trying to do something just to say i did it. if that makes any sense. today is a new day. GOD i thank you for giving me another chance to get it right. thank you for being with me all the time. thank you for letting me cry on your shoulder. thank you for listening to me. thank you for putting the right people in my life. thank you for being so understanding. thank you for not letting me fail. thank you for being you. thank you.
BETTER! i'll be there... soon enough!