This morning on my way in, I had a bit of a mishap with my sweet little angelic face, Stabs!
She was eating in the car, because I woke up 60 minutes later than I anticipated. My alarm went off at 5:55 and I was feeling great! Okay, lets rewind for a second to last night. Stabs was being her normal self, but I wasn't feeling it. I made her go to sleep much earlier than I would've any other night because of it... which meant I went to sleep much earlier as well. Probably a good thing, but the reasoning behind it wasn't. Okay so this morning, I was feeling good... but that bed was looking much better! I sleep on my left side, so I switched it up after I turned off (thinking I hit the snooze) my alarm and got on my right side. This was the first time in a few weeks that I was comfortable on my right side... a little too comfy! Because when I opened my eyes, it was 6:59! I got up and rushed to get ready. Yesterday I left out a few minutes before 8 and was able to get Stabs to school on timer and I got to work much earlier than normal. Not on time, but much earlier than I have been in the last few weeks. Creating life is draining!!
Okay, so she wanted cereal, but I told her that because of me sleeping so much longer than I wanted, I had to give her bacon and yogurt in the car for breakfast. May not seem like much, but it's filling for her... or at least I thought. She told me that she wanted another yogurt. Not a problem, I had one in my bag for me. So I gave her that and 5 minutes later she's yelling because she squirted it in her hand. I tell her to chill out, give her a napkin to clean it and I thought we was straight... NOPE! 2 minutes later, she does the same thing again, but this time it's a HUGE mess! So I'm yelling, "argggggggg" and who knows what other noises came out... smh. But she clearly isn't feeling it. She tenses up, and starts to cry! That just pissed me off even more! After I get gas for my car, I go over to her and let her know that I'm sorry for acting like that and I love her. She starts to cry some more... I can only imagine what's going on in her little head.
THEN, when I get back to my seat, she goes and says something about her father. **deep sigh** So many times in the past I've "taken up" for him... any by that I mean I'll tell her that he's working, or whatever comes to mind. But nope... not today. I don't even remember exactly what I said. But I had to let her know the truth. He's not the best! Maybe I shouldn't have went on and on like that with my 4 year old. But it's the truth! She doesn't have the best concept of time yet... everything happened "yesterday" or "the other day"... Well, he hasn't seen her in whole lot of yesterdays... well over a year to be exact. I don't understand some of these parents. Granted I don't want to be with him, and for whatever reason (in my mind) it's making it much worse for Stabs... He doesn't realize that him not coming around is truly affecting her. She sees the relationship that I have with Wolfie's dad, he's around daily! As a matter of fact, he's seen Stabs more than her actual father. He makes an effort. Her father doesn't. I told him on numerous occasions that he can come and pick her up, take her out and bring her back. I don't want him coming up in my house to see his child. That's not fair to me. I let him do it in the past, because I felt comfortable with him doing that. She was much younger, and I honestly didn't want him taking her out. But if he would've said something about it, I would've at least thought about it. So now because I don't let you come over, you just don't show up?! You don't let her know that you still care. You can say all that you want to say all day until you are blue in the face, but your actions are what is reality for me... and now for her. I used to send him messages of the "cute" things that she does, or the "cute" pictures of her. Not anymore... if you want to see her, know her. You need to do it. Not me. I can't make you be a father. It's sad. Every once in a while, I can hear his voice when I told him I was pregnant. **deep sigh again** I told him in the very beginning that I didn't want a part time dad in my child's life. That's not fair. And here we are... Not even a part time dad. But my child is too smart, she knows. I can't erase those images in her head. As much as I want to. It breaks my heart every single time she mentions him. Because it's something that's out of my control. The last time I saw him, I told him she said "I want to see my real daddy"... I wish I could take it back, but it's the truth. Hopefully that put something on his mind... in his heart. But to be honest, I don't even know if I want him to come back in her life. I don't want him to come back around, and then in 2 months disappear again. I don't know... I just don't know. I wish this was something that I could fix. But I can't. I prayed about it twice already... well, today. I'm hoping after I hit the publish button, I'll feel a little bit better. But I don't know.